faith/fear

faith/fear

This is a story of faith over fear, of sticking to your wits, of not giving up, and of forging ahead into the unknown (knowing fully well that an abundance of unknown blessings + opportunities lie ahead).  It is about wholeheartedly understanding the collective value of stepping stones, and realizing the singular value of each and every one.

The months leading up to having my daughter had left me mildly anxiety-ridden.  Why?  Because I had harbored a great amount of fear of the unknown.

From the start, I had decided that I was going to stay at home and raise our daughter, and nothing was going to change my mind, nor stop me. (My hubby, who played a large role in the decision-process, was totally on board.) However, tied to this decision arose a surplus of fear and nervousness. Upon reflection, I now realize that a good portion of my fear and negative energy stemmed from what exactly this new adjustment period was going to entail.  I worried that β€œstay-at-home mom-life” was going to be β€œtoo easy,” disorganized, and in a sense, unfulfilling.  How was cleaning, changing diapers, and folding laundry all day going to make me feel fulfilled?  I deceptively believed that my own sense of self-fulfillment was created through alarm clocks, firm appointments, and the rushes of adrenaline associated with drowning in work. Feeling β€œfulfilled” with every breath of fresh air taken at the surface, that each completed task had allowed for me to take.  Boy, was I wrong.  Rather than leading with faith, I had fallen into the trap of fear.  God, yet again, had proven me wrong.

As the weeks dwindled and the countdown began, my husband and family/friends had endlessly tried to convince me to slow down with work.  As my due date began to aggressively approach, they had feared that my hour plus commute each day was too risky.  They, too, had worried that me being home by myself during the week (as my husband traveled each week for work) was not highly desirable nor favorable.  Though, in true β€œme” fashion, I had my own ideas, and was too headstrong to listen to their opinions or concerns.  I was determined to not give up, to not quit.

So, I had carried on with my daily power-hour walks, and had worked until the day I delivered.  I carried out the β€œcontrol” that I was so misguided into believing that I carried over my life.

Through motherhood, I have learned that I do not control things.  He does.  I instead, take the position of dreamer, setting endless goals, and taking on only what He has given me the power to control through his strength.  The instant that I had shifted my mindset, something extraordinary happened.  Blessings (some of which I had never before realized) began falling into my lap.  In addition to the greatest blessing of all, being given the health + ability to stay-at-home and raise our daughter, I was also able to complete college courses that I had so badly wanted to check off my list.  I was able to spend more time with my family (that I never realized I would be so badly missing when the time came for us to re-locate).  And, amongst the other countless blessings, I was able to write, inspire (be inspired) + create.  Things I would not have been able to do if I went back to my β€˜9-5’ job.

Granted that the future and change is weighted with fear, it is critical that we alter our mindset and switch our lens to a more optimistic, positive, and maybe not-so β€œrealist” perspective.  Because, an optimist will never feel totally defeated at the face of failure.  Secondly, it is essential that we cling to faith, resting our fear, troubles, and worries on His shoulders.  For with God nothing shall be impossible (Luke 1:37).

Much love y’all!

XO, πŸ¦‹

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